Blog

Money. Money. Money. Part 1: Guilt at Home

This post is part of a series about, you guessed it, money, as inspired by a letter I received from artist Rachael Ashe. Read Part 2: The Costs of Growth, Part 3: Cost of Living, Part 4: Where It Comes From and Part 5: What’s a Real Job?

the colour of your money
the colour of your money, by penguincakes on Flickr (CC-by-nc-sa licensed)

I got a letter from paper artist Rachael Ashe a few weeks ago, and her letter struck so many chords that I’m going to write a series of posts about it. I think every single one of us who is trying to make a living through creative work will relate intimately with at least one, if not all, of the things Rachael expressed.

I’ve gotten to know Rachael over the last few years as part of the Vancouver crafts/art scene and Vancouver Mini Maker Faire. She’s been working hard to make art her full-time job, and in her letter she vented about money. Here’s one of the things she wrote:

“I need money to cover the basic costs of living, but also to invest in things to help me grow beyond what I’m doing now. I feel so guilty having [my partner] carry the two of us alone, and I feel my lack of monetary contribution to our situation holds us back in so many ways. Money. Money. Money. Goddamn you, money.”

Burmese money turned into art
Burmese money turned into art, by -AX- on Flickr (CC-by-nc licensed)

First, damn straight, it takes money to be in business. I find this one of the most daunting aspects of business, really, though I also think we, as DIYers, are better situated to work around a lack of money than less crafty entrepreneurs, to some extent. But that’s not the part I want to focus on. Rachael’s guilt is the same guilt I’ve felt on and off for the duration of my fourteen years with my partner.

When I first met Greg back in ’99, I was a grad student. As a grad student in the great state of Delaware, I lived on about $14,000 a year, without too much help from my parents. Greg, on the other hand, was fresh off his Master’s degree with a shiny new professional job. He lived like he was a student, though, so he was essentially swimming in money as far as I could tell.

I remember one night a few weeks after we started dating, Greg suggested we go see a movie. We’d already seen a movie that month, so I told him my entertainment budget had been spent and suggested we rent a movie or do something else instead. He told me he’d pay. I refused. Then he told me that he was going to go see the movie in the next few days with or without me, but he really wanted to see it with me, so I should just let him pay for me to go because it would make him happy (and it would make me happy, too).

It was in no way the last time we’ve had words about money, but in many ways that exchange has characterized the fourteen years we’ve shared finances. I’ve always made far less money than he makes (ETA: except for a couple of years when he was back in school and I worked full-time as a magazine editor; the financial contribution I made to our family during that time was extremely important to me), and I’ve always wanted to contribute significantly more than I can while continuing to do the work I love (as opposed to work I’d hate that would make me miserable way more money).

money flowers
money flowers, by kolix on Flickr (CC-by-nc-sa licensed)

Greg has taught me a very valuable lesson. It’s taken me all these years to properly put my finger on it, and Rachael’s letter really helped me do that.

Money can’t buy us happiness, but we sure can allow money make us miserable.

The truth is that Greg and I are a great match. He’s ordered and structured and caring and kind; I’m disorganized, spontaneous, enthusiastic and sarcastic. We share values that allow us to navigate life together in a surprisingly successful manner, and that allow us to work out our differences in a relatively productive way (with the usual assortment of epic fights and breakdowns).

It’s important to me that he’s happy, and it’s important to him that I’m happy. Though the former is something I consider to be obvious, the latter is something I need to remind myself of constantly. He reminds me of it constantly.

He knows I value money and my contribution of it to our family. I don’t take for granted that he continues to make far more money than I do.

The major lesson he’s taught me is that it’s okay. This is the life we’ve built for ourselves, together. The security he provides does not make me feel less ambitious about making more money, though I do still occasionally battle guilt about it. In many ways, he’s a business partner to me. When I need to put a lot of heavy work into a project that won’t be able to pay me until the work is long done (like with CrochetMe.com years ago, or like now with The Holocene), we talk about how our family might be affected and we hash out whether we can take the risk. We talk it through. If I’m not fully convinced about the project, there’s no way I can convince him. But when I am convinced, he knows it and he supports it.

I continue to work hard to accept that support without adding qualifications that make it more difficult. I work hard not to feel guilty about having his support. I work hard to use that support to contribute not only financially to our family, but emotionally. When I’m happy I share it.

Money
Money, by 401(K) 2013 on Flickr (CC-by-nc licensed on Flickr)

And when I’m happy, I work best. I have more and clearer and bigger ideas. I connect better with other people. I’m more inclined to take risks and to seek out new work. What I’m trying to say here is that when I’m happy I make more money, and I enjoy making it.

So I’m going to pose a question to Rachael, and to you, dear reader: Can you forgive yourself the guilt, even for a short time? Can you give yourself a week or a month to see how your mind and your creativity function without it? Do you think you’ll see your plans change in that time? Do you think your relationship to money might be affected?

I ask these questions knowing my answers to them, but I don’t ask them rhetorically and I don’t ask them to be obnoxious. What do you think? Do you feel the guilt Rachael and I continue to struggle with? How do you work around it?

You might be interested in …

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

18 Comments
oldest
newest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
WordLily

Not addressing your specific questions directly, but.

My situation: He makes far more money, doing something he doesn’t really enjoy. In times past, I’ve been the primary (even sole) “breadwinner.” (Ah, the language of this subject matter. So loaded and awful.) But really, we’re both artists. What then?

WordLily

I think we’ll (hopefully, eventually!) end up going down the joint business path — we both feel it would be ideal for us. It’s just tough to swing out on that trapeze without the relative safety net of a “normal” job.

WordLily

Yeah, the health insurance thing is big.

And, we’re actually about to start (in the next month or less) something that will hopefully be able grow into what we’d eventually like to see.

Rachael

Most of the time I am able to proceed without the feelings of guilt hanging over me because my partner and I have talked things through. We have an understanding and it puts my mind at ease for awhile. It just never seems to go away completely.

It’s just human nature to second guess and feel insecure.

shana lee hampton

oh kim, you’re psychic. i’ve been struggling with this forever and this past week, i’ve been making myself crazy over it. i’d much rather be broke and happy but still, it’d be nice to feel like i’m contributing more. as shawn is quick to point out, we’d never eat or have clean dishes without me. we all contribute in our own ways, i guess. i just need to remember that more.

Tara Swiger

“The more comfortable we allow ourselves to feel about our contributions to our families, I think, the more comfortable we’ll feel taking the risks required to make more money.”
YES!
The guilt and the wondering and the self-lashing is the most common thing I see in businesses that aren’t moving forward (whether that’s with growth or risk or just doing the thing they really want to be doing).

As the primary money-maker in my relationship, I have a different kind of guilt and pressure…but II find it useful.
It makes me braver (than I would be). Knowing that I HAVE to make it work, makes me take action quicker and be more ruthless in choosing what’s working, what’s not, and what’s making me miserable.
If you can get past the feeling that you *should* be making more (and maybe you should really try something else, or get a “real job”, etc) – you can tap into a boldness that comes with a commitment to DOING this and making it work for the family (and yourself)

Kerry

I agree with you Tara, when you HAVE to make it work, there is a different kind of energy. Focusing my creative energy on making money continues to be both uncomfortable and liberating.

As artists and writers, how we earn our money is wrapped up in our perceptions of ourselves, so if you don’t make as much money as you’d like from your art it can be a blow to your identity (your integrity, even).

The only thing that has helped is not seeing it as all or nothing. I think you have to assume it is possible to make a living, then approach the “how” like any other problem.

I don’t know where I heard it, but I love this saying: “It doesn’t take money to make money, it takes creativity to make money.

Lee

I don’t have much to say about this post, except for just how much I relate to it! Even though I work constantly, plus do almost all the housework on top of work work, since my husband travels a ton for his job, I still can’t help feeling money guilt. I cope with the guilt by just channeling that energy into working harder, crossing my fingers that it pays off and my business continues to slowly grow over time, so that eventually, even if it’s many years from now, I’ll be making a larger financial contribution to our household. So I guess the thing that helps me is always looking towards the future with determination and a belief in myself and the quality of work.

18
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x